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Your RELATE Assessment Results

September 26, 2014

Prepared for: Respondent
Partner: Partner

A partner has not been synced with this report. Consequently, this RELATE report will not be able to compare results with a partner.

Report Summary

Your personal RELATE assessment has been analyzed and compiled into this multi-page report.

Within you will find ten major aspects of relationship success have been evaluated. Each has been briefly summarized on this page. However, we encourage you to read your report in its entirety to learn more about your strengths as a relationship partner as well as areas you should strive to improve.

← Use the navigation on the left to peruse the different sections of your report, or click a section below:

10 Aspects of Relationship Success

  1. Kindness & Flexibility
  2. Emotional Readiness
  3. Family Background
  4. Relationship Quality
  5. Relationship Effort
  6. Effective Communication
  7. Conflict Resolution
  8. Sexuality
  9. Relational Aggression
  10. Attachment
  • Strength
  • Needs Improvement
  • Challenge Area

These three colors illustrate the degree of strength or weakness your results indicate in a specific scale


Click to See More »


Kindness/Flexibility

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Emotional Readiness

Click to See More »


Family Background

Click to See More »


Relationship Quality

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Relationship Effort

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Effective Communication

Click to See More »


Conflict Resolution

Click to See More »


Sexual Satisfaction

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Relational Aggression

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Attachment

How To Read This Report

Your RELATE report contains a detailed analysis of the answers you provided on the RELATE questionnaire. This report presents a summary profile of you, your partner, and your relationship in areas that researchers at the RELATE Institute have found to be most important in influencing relationship quality. The summary profile is a compilation of you and your partners questionnaire responses. We encourage you to discuss together what the results mean for each of you personally and for your relationship.


How to Read This Report's Charts

Each section will have BAR GRAPHS displaying graphical representations of your answers and TABLES displaying the answers as given.

For each graph, you will have either two or four bars depending on the types of questioned you answered and whether your partner completed the questions. If there are four bars, the first two bars will portray how YOU answered about you and your partner and the last two bars portray how YOUR PARTNER answered about themselves and you in the same area. Below shows what data each color of the graph represents.

The tables displaying the answers will display your and your partners answers as given. There will be either 2 or 4 columns based on the type of questions displayed. If there are 4 columns, the first two columns are how YOU are rated by yourself and partner and the second two are how YOUR PARTNERS is reated by themselves and you.


Calculation of Strength and Challenge Zones
Charts in the RELATE report are delineated into 3 zones: Strength, Needs Improvement, and Challenge.

The cut-offs between zones were calculated by comparing scale scores with partners’ reports of relationship satisfaction via a large, national sample of couples in the United States.

  • The cut-off point for the blue zone is the level where 90% or more people reporting that score were satisfied with their relationship.
  • The white zone is the level where 70% to 89% typically report being highly satisfied.
  • The red zone indicates the level where less than 70% of individuals reported being satisfied with their relationships.

For example, if the blue zone for a scale begins at 4.50 it means that more than 90% of individuals who rate themselves at or above that level also report that they are satisfied with their relationships.


General Guidelines for Interpreting your RELATE Report

Keep in mind that RELATE is not designed to predict the success of your future relationships, nor to diagnose possible personal or relationship difficulties.

  • Use the RELATE report to focus discussion with your partner on developing your strengths and overcoming your challenges.
  • The accuracy of each graph will depend on the level of honesty and insight you had when you responded to the RELATE questionnaire, as well as when you now read this report.
  • The RELATE Report contains sensitive information. If serious problems related to any of these issues are hampering your ability to maintain a satisfying relationship you may want to consider seeking assistance in resolving these problems.
  • If a scale or chart in the Summary Profile does not seem correct, look up the specific questions and answers for that scale in the Detailed Responses portion of this report. Check to see if you misinterpreted a question or made an error when marking your answer. The Summary Profile Calculation in the Detailed Responses and Specific Results report will explain which questions make up each scale.

Kindness/Flexibility


Overview

The kindness scale measures your underlying personality and how you relate to other people. Are you calm in your interactions? Do you treat other people with consideration and in a friendly manner? The Flexibility scale measures how adaptable you and your partner are to challenges in life. Can you go with the flow? Are you open to suggestions? Both of these factors are key underlying personality traits to healthy relationships.



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  • Respondent Describes Self
  • Partner Describes Respondent

Strength (Blue Zone):

People who score in the blue area of this scale see themselves and/or their partners as being kind, considerate, adaptable, and easy-going.

Needs Improvement (White):

People who have scores in the white area see themselves and/or their partners as being kind, considerate, adaptable and easy-going some of the time. You may want to evaluate where you stand as a couple to help increase marital satisfaction.

Challenge (Red Zone):

People who have kindness and flexibility scores in the red area are more likely to be in relationships that are less satisfying. People rating themselves and/or their partners in the challenge area on this scale may want to evaluate their ways of interacting to see how they can increase the levels of kindness, flexibility, and consideration in their relationships.

Discussion Questions

  1. Are you satisfied with your scores on the Kindness scale? Are you satisfied with your scores on the flexibility scale?
  2. Do you want to change how flexible and/or kind you are?
  3. What triggers yourself or your partner to act unkindly? How can you change those reactions? How can you avoid those triggers?
  4. Does your partner want to change how kind and/or flexible they are?
  5. What does changing your kindness/flexibility mean in your relationship?
  6. Will being more kind and/or flexible make your relationship stronger and happier?
RELATE Institute Findings: In research with couples, the higher the levels of positive family background, the higher the levels of emotional readiness and kindness/flexibility.


Kindness and Flexibility Tables

Kindness Respondent
Describes
Self
Partner
Describes
Respondent
Partner
Describes
Self
Respondent
Describes
Partner
ConsiderateOften - - Rarely
LovingVery Often - - Rarely
KindOften - - Sometimes
FriendlyVery Often - - Never
Flexibility Respondent
Describes
Self
Partner
Describes
Respondent
Partner
Describes
Self
Respondent
Describes
Partner
Open mindedOften - - Sometimes
FlexibleVery Often - - Rarely
Easy goingOften - - Rarely
AdaptableVery Often - - Rarely

Emotional Readiness


Overview

The Emotional Readiness scale is a measure of your own and your partner's levels of maturity, calmness, self-esteem, and depression. This scale taps into several underlying individual factors related to emotions that are linked to healthy and positive relationships. When things go wrong, how do you react? How do you feel in your daily life?



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  • Respondent Describes Self
  • Partner Describes Respondent

Strength (Blue Zone):

People who score in the blue area on this scale see themselves and/or their partners as being calm, mature, high in self-esteem and low on depression.

Needs Improvement (White):

People scoring in this section do not consider themselves/ their partners as either emotional strong or emotionally weak. They may be calm/ mature in some situations, have mild depression, fluxuating self-esteem levels, or have slight anxiety. Some counseling may be beneficial to help produce emotional stability but it is not critical at this point.

Challenge (Red Zone):

People scoring in the challenge area on this scale may have seriously high levels of anxiety, depression and other emotional problems and may benefit from visiting with a professional therapist.
RELATE Institute Findings: Depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and immature/impulsive behaviors are negatively related to one's own and partner's relationship quality.

Discussion Questions

  • Are you satisfied with the current rating of yourself on this scale? If not, what can you do to improve it?
  • How are your answers similar or different from one another? Why were there differences or why did you both agree?
  • Does your partner want you to improve the emotional readiness in your relationship? If so, discuss why and how this can be facilitated.
  • How will your relationship change if you improved the emotional readiness in your relationship?

Emotional Readiness Tables

CalmnessRespondent
Describes
Self
Partner
Describes
Respondent
Partner
Describes
Self
Respondent
Describes
Partner
FearfulNever - - Sometimes
TenseRarely - - Rarely
NervousNever - - Sometimes
WorrierNever - - Rarely
HappinessRespondent
Describes
Self
Partner
Describes
Respondent
Partner
Describes
Self
Respondent
Describes
Partner
Feel hopelessNever - - Sometimes
DepressedNever - - Rarely
Sad and blueRarely - - Sometimes
MaturityRespondent
Describes
Self
Partner
Describes
Respondent
Partner
Describes
Self
Respondent
Describes
Partner
Fight with others/lose temperNever - - Sometimes
Act immatureNever - - Rarely
Easily irritated or madRarely - - Sometimes
Self EsteemRespondent
Describes
Self
Partner
Describes
Respondent
Partner
Describes
Self
Respondent
Describes
Partner
I take a positive attitude toward myself.Very Often - - Sometimes
I think I am no good at all.Never - - Rarely
I feel I am a person of worth.Very Often - - Sometimes
I am inclined to think I am a failure.Never - - Often

Family Background


Overview

The Family Background scale is a measure of your perceptions of your family background and how the experiences you had in your family of origin have influenced your perspective on other relationships in your life. For example, if a person had an upbringing with low conflict and available parents then usually that person will also view friendships, romantic partners, and other relationships outside the family of origin in a positive way.



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  • Respondent Describes Self

Strength (Blue Zone):

People who score in the blue area of this scale see their families as emotionally healthy, their parents' marriages as strong, and their current relationships with parents are healthy and encouraging.

Needs Improvement (White):

People scoring in this section, all things considered, tend to view their childhood years and their relationships with their parents in a good way. There were moments growing up that caused some anxiety and instability but those were paralleled by other experiences that promoted feelings of security and happiness. Overall there are not many unresolved negative experiences from their childhood that affect their emotional readiness in other relationships although it may benefit a couple to discuss some of these less than ideal experiences.

Challenge (Red Zone):

People who have family background scores in the red area are more likely to be in relationships that are less satisfying.
RELATE Institute Findings: In research with couples, the higher the levels of positive family background, the higher the levels of emotional readiness and kindness/flexibility.

The scales in the following graphs show a comparison of your perceptions of your family background experiences. For all of the scales in this section, higher scores indicate that your experiences with your families (e.g., relationships with parents, etc.) are generally better than those who have low scores.

Interpretation Guidelines and Discussion Questions

  • Discuss each family background scale and how you think it has affected you as an adult. How may this factor be affecting you or your relationship as a couple now? For example, if you rate your family's processes as largely negative (e.g., having an unloving atmosphere), how might this affect your view of marriage and family life and your current relationship?
  • For bar graphs that are very low refer to how you answered each individual question to better determine why the score is so low. For scales with very low scores, set goals on how to improve your family relationships, if possible. For example, if you rated your father-child relationship as poor, what can you do to improve it now?
  • Discuss the stressors that occurred to your family while growing up. Discuss how these stressors and your family's type of reaction (e.g. denial, quick resolution of the crisis, etc.) affected you as a child and affect you now as an adult. How have these stressors affected your attitudes about marriage and family life? Are you more or less confident that you can handle future life stressors as an individual or a couple? Why?


Family Characteristic Tables

Family QualityRespondent
Says
Partner
Says
From what I experienced in my family, I think family relationships are safe, secure, rewarding, worth being in, and a source of comfort.Strongly Agree -
From what I experienced in my family, I think family relationships are confusing, unfair, anxiety-provoking, inconsistent, and unpredictable.Strongly Disagree -
We had a loving atmosphere in our family.Agree -
All things considered, my childhood years were happy.Strongly Agree -
Parent's MarriageRespondent
Says
Partner
Says
My mother was happy in her marriage.Strongly Agree -
I would like my marriage to be like my parents' marriage.Agree -
My father was happy in his marriage.Strongly Agree -
Family InfluenceRespondent
Says
Partner
Says
There are matters from my family experience that I'm still having trouble dealing with or coming to terms with.Strongly Disagree -
There are matters from my family experience that negatively affect my ability to form close relationships.Disagree -
I feel at peace about anything negative that happened to me in the family in which I grew up.Strongly Agree -

Relationship Quality


Overview

The Relationship Quality scale assesses two main measures of your overall relationship well-being: satisfaction and stability. Both of these measures help assess the perceptions of the overall health of your relationship and are among the best predictors of long-term relationship success. Relationship satisfaction takes into account aspects such as your satisfaction with the level of intimacy and sense of fulfillment you gain through your relationship. Relationship stability refers to how much you believe the relationship will last over the long term. Although satisfaction and stability are not the same thing, they often go hand-in-hand with more satisfying relationships also being more likely to remain intact over time.



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  • Respondent Describes Self

This graph shows how each of you rated your relationship satisfaction. These overall evaluations of your relationship generally reflect the relative total of strengths and challenges in specific parts of your relationship. Research has found that the more satisfying a relationship is, the more likely it will be stable. Research also shows that even the best of relationships experience some fluctuation in satisfaction over the course of the relationship.


The Problem Areas scale is a measure of how often certain key areas have been a problem in your relationship. The areas reported on include: Financial matters, communication, having and rearing children, sexuality, parents, roles (who does what), weight, who's in charge, time spent together, and substance abuse. For your specific results on these scales, see the Detailed Results page.

Strength (Blue Zone):

People who score in the blue area on this scale see relatively low levels of problems in the relationship. They tend to feel that they are able to deal with differences in the relationship without resulting in numerous unresolved issues.

Needs Improvement (White):

Scoring in this section is a good indicator that you may wish to start evaluating your relationship and to begin working on problem areas that are affecting its overall quality. A score in this section generally means that relationship quality is adequate despite moments of instability and conflict. A couple scoring in this area has things to work on, but both people tend to still be committed through the ups and downs.

Challenge (Red Zone):

People who score in the red area on the problem checklist report high levels of problems across a number of areas in their relationship. If problems are occurring frequently in areas that are personally important, a score in the red area may indicate areas that need change and improvement. List the top 2-3 problems you are currently struggling with and start to develop a plan for resolving them.

Discussion Questions

  1. What are the biggest stressors on the relationship? Are there any compromises that can be made that will strengthen the relationship?
  2. When conflicts occur in the relationship, are they usually resolved?
  3. How do you and your partner view intimacy? How can that be better implemented in the relationship to satisfy both you and your partner?
  4. In moments of instability, for what reasons do you and your partner stay committed to the relationship?
  5. How much quality time do you and your partner set aside for one another? What activities do you both enjoy that can be made routine to strengthen the relationship?

RELATE Institute Findings: Research has shown that the overall problem checklist rating is strongly related to marital satisfaction and marital commitment. Some couples may have a low overall score, but still have one or two areas of frequent problems. It is important to note that couples with relatively low problem ratings do not necessarily have less troubles or difficulties than other couples; rather they are able to manage the differences in their relationship in ways that maintain a sense of partnership and unity.
Problem AreasRespondent
Says
Partner
Says
Financial MattersNever -
CommunicationSometimes -
Substance/chemical useNever -
Religion/SpiritualityNever -
My weightNever -
My partner's weightNever -
Who's in chargeSometimes -
Time spent togetherSometimes -
Time spent using media such as video games, the internet, or television.Never -
Types of media used such as violent or sexually oriented mediaNever -
Having ChildrenNever -
Rearing ChildrenNever -
Intimacy/SexualitySometimes -
Your ParentsNever -
Your Partner's ParentsVery Often -
Roles (Who Does What)Never -

Strength (Blue Zone):

People scoring in this section are generally fulfilled and satisfied with their relationship. They tend to be positive about their relationship, even when troubles arise. This may also indicate that the expectations of being in a relationship are being met. People who score in the blue see more of the good in their relationship than the bad.

Needs Improvement (White):

If you scored in this section, you probably have a few areas of your relationship where you are feeling dissatisfied with how things are going. This is not uncommon and you may currently just be in a rough patch. If you start to address some of the less fulfilling aspects of the relationship, though, you will probably find yourself moving out of this area and into the blue. If not, you may just as quickly find yourself in the red.

Challenge (Red Zone):

Scoring in this section is an indicator that you do not feel that your relationship is fulfilling. You may not be very satisfied with a number of aspects of your relationship, such as the amount of intimacy, or feelings of inequality. Below you will find those specific aspects of the relationship you are least satisfied with. Use the discussion questions below to discuss or think about how to improve these areas.

Strength (Blue Zone):

Those who score in this section probably feel very good about the future of the relationship. You feel it will last a long time and do not question your commitment to the relationship. Your relationship probably helps you feel secure about life in general. You do not question that being in this relationship is the right thing for you.

Needs Improvement (White):

If you score in this section, you may have experienced periods of questioning the relationship or hit a few rough spots in your relationship lately. You might have felt that other relationships or alternatives would be better for you. You may or may not have discussed how you feel with your partner, and you may not be on the same page. Scoring in this section suggests that you may need to work on either couple dynamics or lingering areas of conflict to avoid having your relationship continue to become less stable in the future.

Challenge (Red Zone):

Scoring in this section is a good indicator that your relationship might be in trouble. You may be thinking the relationship is not going anywhere or unresolved issues in your relationship might be causing a lack of stability. At this point, it may be time to consider why you are staying together and what you should do in the near future. Couples in the red need to reevaluate with their partners their commitment and dedication to each other. For married couples, can you revive a sense of dedication to the relationship before deciding to just end it?

Relationship SatisfactionRespondent
Says
Partner
Says
The physical intimacy you experience.Very Satisfied -
The love you experience.Very Satisfied -
How conflicts are resolved.Very Dissatisfied -
The amount of relationship equality you experience.Satisfied -
The amount of time you have together.Very Dissatisfied -
The quality of your communication.Neutral -
Your overall relationship with your partner.Neutral -
Relationship StabilityRespondent
Says
Partner
Says
How often have you thought your relationship (or marriage) might be in trouble?Sometimes -
How often have you and your partner discussed ending your relationship (or marriage)?Rarely -
How often have you broken up or separated and then gotten back together?Never -

 

Relationship Effort


Overview

The Relationship Effort scale measures your and your partner's persistence in use of ideas and skills to change your own behaviour and enhance your relationship. Effort is especially important when initial attempts to improve the relationship do not work well.



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  • Respondent Describes Self
  • Partner Describes Respondent

Strength (Blue Zone):

People who score in the Blue/Top areas of these scales see themselves as using a lot of different ideas and approaches to being a more loving partner. They persist in trying to be constructive even when their initial attempts are unsuccessful. Their relationship is something they think about regularly, and they make strengthening the relationship a life priority.

Needs Improvement (White):

Scoring in this area is a good indication that you want to make your relationship successful and you put in a lot of effort. However, you may be trying to use the same tactics all the time when other tactics may actually be more effective. You may also find change difficult and unappreciated, so you may also not try as hard as you have in the past. Don’t give up though, because even consistent effort is better than giving up and if you try making small changes at first, you may find that your efforts start to produce better results.

Challenge (Red Zone):

People who have Relationship Effort scores in the Red/Bottom area are likely to have their relationships become less satisfying over time. People rating themselves in the challenge area on these scales may want to increase the focus and priority they attach to their relationship.

Discussion Questions

  1. What are some of your strategies for resolving relationship issues? How well have they worked in the past? How well are they working now?
  2. How could you help each other step outside of your comfort zone to try new ways of improving your relationship?
  3. How are you prioritizing your relationship? Try imagining what would happen if you changed your priorities.
  4. How do you show appreciation for the efforts your partner makes? How do they show appreciation for your efforts? How are you different?
  5. Do you tend to focus on those parts of your relationship which are out of your control or in your control? How might this change your strategies for improving your relationship?

RELATE Institute Findings: In research with couples, the higher the Relationship Strategies and Effort the better couples sustain high relationship satisfaction. Use of strategies and effort is particularly important when couples are experiencing times of rapid change or stress.

Relationship EffortRespondent
Describes
Self
Partner
Describes
Respondent
Partner
Describes
Self
Respondent
Describes
Partner
If things go wrong in the relationship I tend to feel powerless.Never True - - Sometimes True
I tend to fall back on what is comfortable for me in relationships, rather than trying new ways of relating.Rarely True - - Usually True
Even when I know what I could do differently to improve things in the relationship, I cannot seem to change my behavior.Never True - - Sometimes True
If my partner doesn't appreciate the change efforts I am making, I tend to give up.Rarely True - - Rarely True

Effective Communication


Overview

The Effective Communication scale measures you and your partner's levels of empathy, listening, and ability to send clear messages. Effective Communication is a learned skill. By improving in this area couples can expect to experience decreased levels of confusion, conflict, and misunderstanding. Developing Effective Communication will increase the trust and intimacy in your relationship.



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  • Respondent Describes Self
  • Partner Describes Respondent

Strength (Blue Zone):

People who score in the blue area of this scale see themselves and/or their partners as being high in empathy, listening, and in sending clear messages.

Needs Improvement (White):

People who have scores in the white area see themselves and/or their partners as being kind, considerate, adaptable and easy-going some of the time. You may want to evaluate where you stand as a couple to help increase marital satisfaction.

Challenge (Red Zone):

People scoring in this area are decent communicators but have a difficult time implementing these skills in their relationships. A good example of this would be a person who enjoys listening to others but rarely admits personal feelings. People scoring in this area are not terrible communicators, but the areas they lack are affecting their relationship. Learning new ways to listen empathically, effectively communicate emotions, and be attentive to what nonverbal messages are saying are great ways to improve in this area.

Discussion Questions

  1. How often do you take the time to ask how your partner’s day was and truly listen?
  2. When you and your partner disagree, do you interrupt or appear judgmental?
  3. What are your partner’s nonverbal signals telling you? What about yours to your partner? Body language is often more important than words.
  4. What’s more important to you: Being right or finding a compromise?
  5. How often in a stressful conversation do you take the time to slow down and take a break so it won’t escalate further?

RELATE Institute Findings: Research on effective communication shows that learning good communication skills certainly helps increase our relationship satisfaction. However, just because we know how to communicate well does not mean we will make the effort. Furthermore, research suggests that we are more likely to communicate well if we care about our partner, whether or not we know what effective communication really is.
EmpathyRespondent
Describes
Self
Partner
Describes
Respondent
Partner
Describes
Self
Respondent
Describes
Partner
I understand my partner's feelings.Often - - Sometimes
I am able to listen to my partner in an understanding way.Very Often - - Rarely
In most matters, I understand what my partner is trying to say.Often - - Often
Clear SendingRespondent
Describes
Self
Partner
Describes
Respondent
Partner
Describes
Self
Respondent
Describes
Partner
I sit down with my partner and just talk things over.Often - - Sometimes
I talk over pleasant things that happen during the day when I am with my partnerVery Often - - Often
I discuss my personal problems with my partner.Often - - Sometimes
When I talk to my partner I can say what I want in a clear manner.Often - - Rarely
I struggle to find words to express myself to my partner.Rarely - - Sometimes

Conflict Resolution


Overview

The Conflict Resolution Scale is a measure of the degree of criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and emotional flooding that people experience during conflict. The areas of criticism and contempt focus on using negative communication to attack our partners during conflict while defensiveness concerns the feelings we have that we are attacked by our partners. Flooding refers to being overwhelmed by our emotions which tends to interfere with healthy conflict resolution.



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  • Respondent Describes Self
  • Partner Describes Respondent

Strength (Blue Zone):

People who score in the blue area on this scale see themselves and their partners as rarely using criticism and defensiveness when resolving conflict; hence they are less likely to be emotionally flooded

Needs Improvement (White):

People who score in this area occasionally experience or use criticism and defensiveness when resolving conflict. There may be a degree of contempt toward your partner during moments of conflict. During and after conflict neither you or your partner may consider the relationship very satisfying. These moments are not necessarily indicative of high relationship problems, but professional help may be beneficial to prevent further harm to the relationship.

Challenge (Red Zone):

People who have conflict scores in the red area are more likely to have a relationship that is not satisfying. High levels of criticism and contempt are indicative of serious relationship problems that are not likely to be resolved without help.

Discussion Questions

  1. How intimate toward your partner do you feel after an argument?
  2. Are disagreements resolved during conflict or are negative feelings still directed at your partner?
  3. Do you feel like your feelings and perspectives are heard during conflict or do you remain frustrated and unvalidated?
  4. How long does it usually take for things to “cool down” between you and your partner following a disagreement or fight?
  5. How often do you walk away during an argument or disagreement to calm down before working toward a solution?

RELATE Institute Findings: Higher levels of effective communication and higher scores on the conflict resolution scale have been shown to be associated with higher relationship quality. High scores on the conflict resolution scale are also related to fewer relationship problems, and higher relationship stability.

NoncriticalRespondent
Describes
Self
Partner
Describes
Respondent
Partner
Describes
Self
Respondent
Describes
Partner
I don't censor my complaints at all. I really let my partner have it full force.Never - - Very Often
I use a tactless choice of words when I complain.Rarely - - Very Often
There's no stopping me once I get started complaining.Never - - Often
Not OverwhelmedRespondent
Describes
Self
Partner
Describes
Respondent
Partner
Describes
Self
Respondent
Describes
Partner
Whenever I have a conflict with my partner, I feel physically tense and anxious, and I don't think clearly.Often - - Sometimes
I feel physically tired or drained after I have an argument with my partner.Sometimes - - Rarely
Whenever we have a conflict, the feelings I have are overwhelming.Rarely - - Often
RespectRespondent
Describes
Self
Partner
Describes
Respondent
Partner
Describes
Self
Respondent
Describes
Partner
I have no respect for my partner when we are discussing an issue.Never - - Never
When I get upset I can see glaring faults in my partner's personality.Rarely - - Never
When my partner complains, I feel that I have to "ward off" these attacks.Never - - Rarely
I feel unfairly attacked when my partner is being negative.Rarely - - Never

Sexuality


Overview

The Sexual Satisfaction Scale measures how satisfied both you and your partner are with the depth, frequency, fidelity, and various other elements of physical intimacy and intercourse in the relationship. Physical intimacy is an important part of any relationship that will help in building and sustaining a healthy relationship. Although you and your partner’s intimacy levels will vary depending on life stage and circumstance, attending to the sexualy intimacy in any relationship is an important element of relationship success.



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  • Respondent Describes Self

Strength (Blue Zone):

People who score high are very satisfied with the level, depth, frequency, and boundaries of physical and sexual intimacy within the relationship. They feel that their needs have been met and often feel emotionally and physically close with their partners.

Needs Improvement (White):

People who score in the white area of the graph feel somewhat satisfied but believe that some change in physical intimacy or sexual intimacy is needed. Some of this dissatisfaction may be with the depth, frequency, fidelity, or other elements of physical intimacy or intercourse in the relationship. It would be a good idea to look at some of the discussion questions and reevaluate some of the important factors of intimacy in your partnership.

Challenge (Red Zone):

Those that score in the red area on the scale feel unsatisfied or uncomfortable with the level of physical or sexual intimacy within the relationship. To achieve satisfaction and the continuance of a positive relationship, it is necessary for you and your partner to discuss, reach a level of agreement, and make changes in your levels of intimacy. Please review and discuss the questions found in this section.

Discussion Questions

  • Are you satisfied with the current rating of yourself on this scale? If not, what can you do to improve it?
  • How are your answers similar or different from one another? Why were there differences or why did you both agree?
  • Does your partner want you to improve the sexuality in your relationship? If so, discuss why and how this can be facilitated.
  • How will your relationship change if you improved the sexuality in your relationship?

RELATE Institute Findings: Research has consistently found that engaging in satisfying sexual intimacy is a vital part of healthy relationship development and maintenance. Although the actual frequency of sexual intercourse may fluctuate or even decrease over time in most relationships, research has shown that healthy couples are able to find meaningful and satisfying ways to be physically intimate with each other on a regular basis.

Sexual SatisfactionRespondent
Says
Partner
Says
Are you dissatisfied with the amount of variety in your sex life with your partner?Rarely -
Do you find the sexual relationship with your partner satisfactory?Very Often -
Do you feel there is a lack of love and affection in your sexual relationship?Never -
Are you satisfied with the amount of time you and your partner spend on foreplay?Often -
Do you have sexual intercourse as often as you would like?Very Often -
Do you feel dissatisfied with the amount of time your partner spends on intercourse itself?Never -

Relational Aggression


Overview

The Relational Aggression scale measures your use of social sabotage strategies (i.e., gossip, spreading rumors, getting people to take your side against others) and love withdrawal strategies (i.e., pouting, silent treatment, withholding affection) when trying to resolve conflict. Many people have used, or seen others use, tactics or strategies of manipulation in order to gain power or some other valued resources within the relationship.



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  • Respondent Describes Self
  • Partner Describes Respondent

Strength (Blue):

If you scored in the blue area on this scale it means that during conflicts you don’t try to manipulate others by harming their relationships with you or other people. You also avoid withdrawing from others to display your displeasure with people you are upset with.

Needs Improvement (White):

If you scored in the white area on this scale it means that you sometimes use relational aggression strategies during conflicts. Even occasionally being relationally can harm relationships.

Challenge (Red):

People who have relational aggression scores in the red area are much more likely to struggle to form and stay in a lasting relationship. High levels of social sabotage and love withdrawal are usually indicative of serious relationship problems that are not likely to be resolved on their own.

Discussion Questions

  • Have I tried to get something from my partner by the use of any means other than clear verbal communication?
  • Do I try and make my partner “pay” or “suffer” for what he or she does or doesn’t do for me?
  • When I feel negatively towards my partner, do I communicate my feelings through clear words? (Such as, when you do this... it makes me feel this way…)
  • Do I withhold love or affection from my partner and or others when I feel offended?
  • Do I ever use words or feelings of my partner, given in confidence, against them in a disagreement or argument?

RELATE Institute Findings: Research shows that relationally aggressive tactics are present in most marriages, at least to some degree; and in some marriages these tactics are utilized quite frequently. Both social sabotage and love withdrawal patterns have been found to be linked to lower satisfaction and higher levels of break-up in couple relationships.

It is common for partners to have some grievances with each other through the daily process of living and, although they may not deal with these grievances with overt fighting, they nevertheless want their partner to pay for infractions in some way. By withholding love, partners can make each other ‘suffer’ or ‘take notice,’ and in some way restore the balance or ledger in the relationship. It may be that in small amounts, these manipulative behaviors have little effect on relationships, but that the more frequent use of these strategies leads to poorer relationship quality and eventually increased likelihood of breakup or divorce.

Relational Aggression Tables

Relational AggressionRespondent
Describes
Self
Partner
Describes
Respondent
Partner
Describes
Self
Respondent
Describes
Partner
I have intentionally ignored my partner until he/she gives in to my way about something.Never - - Rarely
I have withheld physical affection from my partner when I was angry with him/her. Never - - Often
I have spread rumors or negative information about my partner to be mean.Never - - Sometimes
I have gone 'behind my partner's back' and shared private information about him/her with other people.Never - - Rarely
I have given my partner the silent treatment or 'cold shoulder' when he/she has hurt my feelings or made me angry in some way. Sometimes - - Sometimes
When I have been mad at my partner, I have recruited other people to 'take sides' with me and get them upset with him/her too. Never - - Often
I have threatened to end my relationship with my romantic partner in order to get him/her to do what I wantedSometimes - - Rarely

Attachment


Overview

Attachment behaviors are specific behaviors that help to facilitate secure attachment in romantic relationships. They measure a partner's level of accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement in a relationship. Accessibility focuses on how easily you can reach out to your partner or get his/her attention. Responsiveness is about knowing that when you need reassurance about the relationship, your partner can effectively support and help you. Engagement results when accessibility and responsiveness occur repeatedly over time. It is knowing that your partner is consistently there for you, and allows you to feel safe trusting in and relying upon one another.



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  • Respondent Describes Self
  • Partner Describes Respondent

Strength (Blue Zone):

A score in this area is an indication of confidence in each other and the relationship overall. An individual score in the blue suggests you listen well and are able to open up, giving you a sense of fulfilling engagement with your partner. If both partners are in the blue, there is a good balance of give and take in the relationship, where both partners can be open and have their turn to share their feelings and then listen to the other.

Needs Improvement (White):

A score in the white is an indication of confidence in oneself or a partner, but maybe not both. One partner may listen well but not feel that they can open up, or trusts their partner with their deepest feelings but does not respond to their partner’s attempts to share the same. Both partners may struggle to feel close to each other at times, but with a little work and building trust, it is not difficult to feel more engaged and close in the relationship.

Challenge (Red Zone):

Those scoring in the red are often lacking in behaviors which build confidence in the relationship. This could represent an underlying fear of closeness or an anxiety about being to open with a romantic partner. A lack of such connecting behavior can sometimes lead to partners being unresponsive or unavailable to each other or may make the one partner feel that they cannot open up and engage in positive communication with the other. Scoring in the red suggests that you need to consider why you resist connecting with your partner and examine ways in which you can both be more open and connected with each other.

Discussion Questions

  • When your partner attempts to open up to you, how do you show you are ready to listen? Do your actions say that you don’t really care or that what your partner is saying is very important to you?
  • How often do you or your partner have to repeat yourself in conversations? Why?
  • Do you feel that you can trust your partner with personal information and deep feelings? How can your partner increase your trust in them?
  • How often do you initiate conversations with your partner to discuss personal and deep concerns? What about your partner? What is holding you back, if anything?

RELATE Institute Findings: Research has shown that the more partners display behaviors (accessible, responsive, engaged) that lead to attachment, the more satisfied and stable they are in their relationships.

Attachment Tables

AttachmentRespondent
Describes
Self
Partner
Describes
Respondent
Partner
Describes
Self
Respondent
Describes
Partner
I am confident I can reach out to my partner.Usually True - - Usually True
I am rarely available to my partner.Rarely True - - Rarely True
It is hard for my partner to get my attention.Never True - - Sometimes True
I listen when my partner shares her/his deepest feelings. Always True - - Rarely True
It is hard for me to confide in my partner. Rarely True - - Sometimes True
I struggle to feel close and engaged in our relationship.Never True - - Sometimes True